


Praying for Death

by MsMarvelous



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Brotherly Love, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Captain America: The First Avenger, Fear, Hallucinations, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Experimentation, Pain, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 13:42:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5668117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsMarvelous/pseuds/MsMarvelous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So much pain. Mind numbing, soul shattering agony that ripped through his body as he choked on his screams. His blood was boiling and his body arched against the restraints of the metal table as some where in the corner Zola watched, jotting down notes on his little clip bord. ( HURT/COMFORT, First Avenger, Steve rescued Bucky from Hydra, but he wasn't saved,… Not really.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Praying for Death

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own these boys! Marvel is their master!!!!

Praying for Death

 

So much pain. Mind numbing, soul shattering agony that ripped through his body as he choked on his screams. His blood was boiling and his body arched against the restraints of the metal table as some where in the corner Zola watched, jotting down notes on his little clip bord.

Bucky was not alone in this hell hole and as the machine hooked up to electrodes covering his body ground to a hault he could finally hear the other men around him as they gasped and sobbed in fear and pain. Bucky’s body went limp but shook with constant tremors, as if the electricity was still raking through his body. Tears and drool dripped down his face as his eyes blink through blurred and distorted vision. His hearing went in and out as someone near him pulled the gag from his mouth that remained open, raspy choked noises instead of words pouring through his chapped lips. He watched through tear blurred vision, head awkwardly upside down as the evil little doctor walked around the room, observing the remaining test subjects that hadn’t yet died from whatever torture he was putting them all through. Bucky’s neck arched as he tried to keep his eyes on the doctor as he made his rounds, stopping by one of the tables with a body just like him, but this one wasn’t writhing in pain, choking and gaging in restraints. That soldier was dead and Bucky heard himself exhale a desperate whimper of fear and grief as Zola flippantly gestured at some guards to remove the failed test subject and dispose of him like the rest.

Zola walked by the Sargent who tried to fix the bug eyed Doctor with his most intense and threatening glare, even through his vision was shaking and his breathing sounded like a caged beast. He shuddered and tried to twist away from Zola as the Doctor held up a flash light to his dilated pupils with one hand, the other gripping his jaw roughly.

“Fascinating!........ You are most remarkable Soldier,……..Still so brazen and defiant even when you have no power or control!” Zola clucked his tongue. He turned to a guard and nodded before heading toward the door. He paused right before he turned out the lights. “There are only five of you left now gentlemen…… I am most curious to see who will make it through the night….. Tomorrow will be a most exciting day for us all…… Sleep well!” The Doctor snickered as he turned off the lights and shut the door.

Bucky swallowed as he tried to peer around the dark lab at the other men but he couldn’t see them, just hear them. Grown men, hardened from war, crying and whimpering like children, terrified and griped in a world of numbing pain and increasing hopelessness. Bucky wanted to console them, wanted to try and strategize with the remaining survivors and plan an escape, but when he opened his mouth to speak the only sound he could make was his own debilitating cry and he closed his eyes against the terrifying reality that this would never end. Silently, through gritted teeth Bucky prayed for death as around him the other men wept and begged for deliverance.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

Steve ran through the eerily darkened halls of the Hydra facility, feeling a sick dread as he looked in each room for any sign of his missing friend. Those words spoken by one of the POWs twisted in his gut. There's an isolation ward in the factory. No one's ever come back from it. Steve’s chest felt tight as he round another corner and slowed his pace, the scent of sweat, blood and burnt flesh was over powering but it was the pungent odor of death that made him stumble, pausing outside of a door left ajar. Steve looked at it with clenched fists before hearing the sound of mumbled words, slurred and raspy but still the voice was familiar. 

The Captain instantly bolted through the door as his heart seized in his chest, unable to breath. He felt like he was moving through slow motion toward the figure on the metal table surrounded by ungodly machines and a tray of needles.

“Barnes,… James Buchanan;….. Sergeant; 3..2..557…038.” The voice was strained from screaming and stuttered as if he was trying to remember. 

Steve was by his side in an instant, mouth gaping in horror at the sight of his friend strapped to the medical table, eyes dilated and distant.

“Bucky!...... Oh my God!” Steve hastily removed the restraints, heart beating fast and jaw clenched as he noticed the abrasions on each of Bucky’s pale wrists from struggling against the stiff leather and metal buckles. 

“It’s me. It’s Steve.” The Captain exhaled with a worried expression as he took in the gaunt and dirt smeared face of a man who had always been so full of life and color. 

“Steve?” Bucky’s voice trembled with uncertainty.

“Come on.” The Captain spoke with urgency, desperately wanting to get Bucky as far away from the torturous room as possible. The Captain tried to control his strength as he reached down and lifted his friend to sit up, gently using his hands to drawl his friends unfocused gaze. He tried to offer a small smile as the large glazed eyes blinked, attempting to focus on the man before him.

“Steve!” Bucky’s mouth curled into a relived smile of recognition but his voice was still wavering and his movements uncoordinated. Steve looked over his friend quickly then brought a hand to his face, briefly, only a moment, just to make sure he was real.

“I thought you where dead!” Steve gasped out, eyes full of relief but also concern.

“I thought you were smaller.” Bucky replied with a look of confusion and disbelief. Steve huffed a small laugh but it was drowned out by the sound of a near by explosion. He had to get them out of there and to safety. He glanced at a map on the wall then once around the room that still reeked of death before he pulled Bucky to him, supporting his weight.

“Common!” Steve spoke with renewed urgency as he headed for the door, swallowing down his panic as he felt Bucky’s ribs through his tattered uniform shirt. He bit down his desire to ask his friend when he had last eaten and what had been done to him, aware that the explosions were getting closer.

“What happened to you?” Bucky rasped out, still looking up at Steve with disbelief, struggling to make his legs work.

“I joined the Army!” Steve smiled down at Bucky briefly, offering his answer with a shrug as he deliberately tried to keep his response light. 

Bucky was off balance and weak kneed but seeing Steve gave him a rush of adrenaline. He staggered away from his friend’s supportive grip with a determined nod, insisting he could walk on his own. Steve nodded back and together they made their way through the factory that was shaking with explosions.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

It had taken a few hours to round up the haphazard POW’s, organizing the half starved and injured men into groups. Steve had ordered all the injured be accompanied by another soldier and that those who couldn’t walk be given seats in the armored trucks and Tanks they had hijacked. Steve had attempted to persuade Bucky to ride in one of the trucks but he stubbornly refused, clamming Steve was an open target in his Red. White and Blue get up and he needed to watch his back. Steve had opted not to argue with his best friend as he recognized the stubbornness was out of desperation and fear, if not for Steve then perhaps for himself.

They had moved through the moon lit woods for almost three hours before Steve had turned and caught sight of Bucky stumbling next to him, eyes heavy and riffle clutched tightly against his chest. Steve’s brow knit with concern as he looked over and caught the gaze of the man from earlier who had told him about the isolation ward with the bowler hat. He too was watching Bucky as was a Black man next to him, both whispering as they glanced from Bucky to Steve with concerned expressions. Steve turned and looked upon the sea of exhausted but hopeful faces, some looking ready to collapse. 

“Alight,…… lets post up camp and get some shut eye!........ Head out at first light.” Steve announced in a commanding voice and was greeted by multiple grateful sighs of relief. He turned toward Bucky who was leaning up against a tree, shoulders slouched and breathing raged, eyes squeezed tight and face in a grimace. Steve took a step toward him and was joined by the other two men that obviously knew him.

“Hey Sgt,…….. You hanging in there kid?” The man with the Bowler hat asked as he reached out to pat Bucky on the back. The movement was sudden and quick as Bucky spun around wild eyed with the gun pointed at his comrades, his body shaking and breathing frantic.

“Woah,…Hey there Buck,….. easy now!” Steve instantly placed himself between the gun and the other two soldiers who had startled back with shock and dismay. Bucky pressed himself against the tree, his eyes blinking rapidly as he clutched his riffle in shaking arms. Steve held up both hands as he spoke again with a calm and reassuring voice.  
“It’s okay Bucky,…… it’s just me,….. Steve.” The Captain spoke with an even tone as he waited for Bucky to recognize him. Bucky blinked a few more times before he spoke with a cracked voice filled with apprehension.

“S….Steve…….Stevie!” Bucky gasped out as his shoulders sagged and he collapsed forward onto his knees, Riffle loose in his grip and he shuddered, closing his eyes in a groan. Instantly Steve knelt down and in one smooth motion took the riffle, handing it to the men behind him as he pulled Bucky into a supportive hug. Bucky gave a strangled sigh as he pressed his face into Steve’s chest before pushing back and looking off to the side, flushed and exhausted.

“M’tired Stevie,…….. Just need to lay down.” He mumbled as he shivered slightly. Steve took off his coat and wrapped it around his friend before helping him to his feet. Together with the other two men he learned were called Dugan and Gab, they escorted Bucky to another tree just a bit further off the road, surrounded by soldiers staggered in groups of two and three. Steve coaxed a wary and barely conscious Bucky to laydown and before he could ask, Gab and Dum Dum sat down with him nodding at the Captain that they would stay close. Steve smiled his thanks before glancing once more toward Bucky who was curled up in a tight ball on the hard frozen earth, nestled in Steve’s jacket.

“Don’t Worry Cap,….. We will keep an eye on him!” Dum Dum gave a salute as he leaned against the tree, Gabe doing the same. Steve sighed and nodded with a grimace as he thought back to the cold and dank lab he had only hours ago found Bucky in.

“How,…… how long was he in Isolation?” Steve asked with a quiver in his tone that he could not conceal. The men looked at each other then to The Captain. Dum Dum shook his head as Gab sighed, both men looking down at the unconscious man with genuine compassion and worry.

“Every few days or so this short piece of shit Doctor would walk through our cells… looking us over like we were live stock,…… tying to pick out the prize hog!” Dum Dum scowled. “He would grab about 7 or 8 men and drag them away……. We never saw any of them again………. Then about two weeks ago The Sgt, was among the poor bastards picked……… Guess Old Jimbo must have been strong enough to take what ever that sick little freak was putting our boys through cuze he stopped coming around after that.” Dum Dum sighed with a shake of his head.

“You didn’t see anyone else in their with him?” Gab asked quietly. Steve swallowed and rubbed his eyes shaking his head.

“No,……… Just Bucky…” Steve looked down at his friend and his voice became rough with grief and anger. “There were machines and needles,…… he was strapped to a metal table……. God only knows what they did to him!” Steve felt his chest seize and he clenched his jaw as he looked away blinking back the threat of tears.

“God,….. or maybe…… just the Devil.” Gab spoke low with a solemn look at his fellow brother in arms, who had stood tall and defiant against Hydra but now seemed so small. Steve let out a grunt of frustration before he shook his head again. 

“I’ll be back,….. Gonna check on the others……. find out how far away we are and strategize the safest rout back.” Steve spoke more to himself then the two men who offered understanding nods.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Steve’s first course of action was to visit the trucks caring the injured men. He looked them over and offered reassurance and support, thanking the medics. He watched for a moment, quietly observing the medics as they worked and treated their fellow soldiers. Steve felt a pang of guilt as he acknowledged to himself he was going to ask who ever seemed most proficient to look over Bucky as soon as he woke up. After a few minutes he noticed three men who caught his eye. An Asian American soldier he had seen earlier was pointing and giving orders to a British Solider and a French one who seemed able to understand despite the language barrier. They were working on treating several different injured men, with an alert dedication that the other medics where lacking, likely due to their own fatigue and weariness. After a moment the three looked up at The Captain who nodded at them and saluted, receiving a respectful salute back.

Steve then sought out the ranking officers that had been in charge before he had shown up in Red, White and Blue to save the day. Two Lieutenants and another Sergeant who had asked Steve how Barnes was doing. Steve had answered that Bucky was in need of rest and then changed the subject to outlining the best rout back to the Camp through Enemy lines. 

It was during this strategic planning session under moon light, not more then an hour after Steve had left Bucky that his head jerked up only a second before he heard the desperate cry. It was loud in the whispered night air and Steve was bolting toward the sound of his friend’s panicked screams. He pushed through the circle of soldiers that were standing by as in the center, Dum Dum was struggling to with strain Bucky as Gab had his hand clamped over the wailing man’s mouth begging him to stop making noise.

Steve moved Gab aside as he clasped his own hand over Bucky’s mouth that gasped between anguished screams. Dum Dum was panting as he struggled to with strain Bucky, his face betraying his surprise and bewilderment at the emaciated and battered man’s tremendous strength. 

“Get the medics!” Steve ordered over his shoulder and Gab was on his feet running. Steve closed distance as Bucky fought with blind fear and rage, eyes dilated and wet with a flood of tears that trickled over Steve’s fingers pressed firmly into his cheeks. 

The Captain had to stop the screaming, attempting to muffle the sound that was sure to attract unwanted attention. He pinned the kicking legs beneath his own, as he helped Dungan hold the flaying man still. Bucky’s eyes were wide and unfocused, so full of fear and pain and anger that it was terrifying. He struggled with flared, animalistic twists and jerked his head away from the hand that was trying to muffle his echoing screams. 

Steve used his other hand to hold on to the side of Bucky’s head, bringing his gaze back to lock with his own. Steve’s fingers were in his hair and thumb rubbing at his temple in firm circles, an old trick Steve’s mother had taught him when he suffered migraines after asthma attacks. Bucky had done it for him when he was to weak or sick to manage and now it was Steve’s turn to return the favor.

“Calm down Bucky!........ Your Safe,…… Stop fighting,……. Just listen to my voice……. You know me Bucky,…… It’s Steve,……. I am here……. Common Pal…..” Steve’s voice was above a whisper but low and authoritative, still comforting. He watched with his own heart ach and pained filled gaze as his confused and frighten friend shook with violent tremors that stuttered his screams. He was hyperventilating, eyes wide in shock, staring up at something in absolute horror. The look was shattering and Steve’s breath caught. He felt in that moment completely at a loss of what to do when suddenly he was surrounded by the three men he had scene earlier treating the wounded.

“Sargent Barnes!.... Can you hear me?”

Do you hear me Sargent Barnes?...... You are the only Test subject left!...... Congratulations my dear boy!

“He’s in Bloody Shock…… Jack, grab that water!” The British soldier spoke in hast as the Freenchman grabbed a canteen then opened it and poured a large splash across Bucky’s face, eyes blinking closed against the water as he gasped. Steve moved his hand from his friend’s mouth to hold both sides of his head.

“Breath Bucky!” Steve commanded, as he used both thumbs to whip the water out of Bucky’s shut eyes. They hovered for a long moment as Bucky struggled to calm his breathing, eyes blinking open to fix on Steve as he choked on a breath and did a double take.

“Bucky?” Steve asked the now silent but huffing man.

“S…ssssSteve,…… Stevie?” Bucky trembled, lips quivering as he brought one shaking hand toward Steve’s familiar expression. Dum Dum relaxed his grip with a heavy sigh of relief as Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky and pulled him closer allowing the other man to scoot back and away.

“Yea Buck,…… I got ya!” Steve sighed as he protectively cradled his brother’s shaking body that curled into him with a wounded sound, Bucky’s face hidden in the Captain’s chest.

“Stevie……… Steve,…….” Bucky let out a stuttered breath and looked up with eyes that were still glossy and uncomprehending. “What,…… What are you doing here?” Bucky asked in disbelief. Steve offered a thin smile as he stroked Bucky’s hair with sad eyes.

“I got word the 107th were in trouble,……… Had to come find this stupid Jerk from Brooklyn!” Steve tired to sound light, as one hand squeezed Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky was blinking with a frown before he looked down at his arms and began rubbing at them with rough hands.

“It’s in my blood Stevie!.......... I got to get it out!” Bucky looked back up at Steve with wide desperate eyes. “I need a knife,……… The blood,…… I can feel it!” His breathing was becoming frantic again and Steve grabbed both his wrists to stop his attempt to claw at his arms.

“Bucky No!” Steve was in shock now, unsure what to do.

“Easy Sgt!......... Let me see your arms…..okay?” The Asian medic Steve had heard referred to as Morita, was crouching next to Steve and Bucky who flinched away from him with a deep frown and apprehension, pulling his arm toward him self.

“Bucky it’s okay,…… He’s a medic,…… let him see!” Steve sighed as he put one hand cupping Bucky’s neck holding him still, the other one holding Bucky’s right hand as Morita carefully but quickly took the left and pushed up the dirty, ragged sleeve.

“Damn!” The medic sighed as the other two temporary medics remained near by exchanging looks. Gab looked over the Brits shoulder with Dugan who grunted before standing and telling the other surrounding Soldier’s they needed space. They pushed back the spectators as Bucky remained kneeling, head down, shoulders slumped and trembling with Steve holding his right arm and Morita holding the left. Steve looked at the left arm with a swallow then rolled up the right and sighed heavily. Both arms were bruised from repeated injections, his veins’ enflamed and swollen, black bruising at the joint trickling into green lines from elbow to wrist.

“Merd!” The French man whipped his face as the Brit shook his head in dismay.

”It’s in my blood,…… I can feel it….. It burns….. Please……..” Bucky rose his tear stained face with eyes that begged Steve for help as his voice broke. “Please,……. Make it stop!........ No more!” Bucky’s voice was a horse and choked whimper as he squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, brow knotted.

“Barnes,……. Do you know what it was?......... What those bastards were trying to do?” Mortia asked with a heart felt sigh of genuine compassion. Bucky shook his head with a groan, pulling his right hand free to grip his hair as he opened his eyes a sliver glaring at his left arm.

“It hurt,…… liquid fire, pumping through my veins,…… heart would stop, then start beating twice as hard…….. Then……” Bucky swallowed as a full body shudder ran through him and he looked at Steve with such intense fear and pain that Steve mouth went dry. 

“Then……he would turn on the machine!” Bucky whispered before he crumpled forward into Steve with a guttural cry, covering his face, as he hid away from pain. After a few shaky breaths Bucky pulled away again and fell back on his bottom, legs bent as he rest his elbows on his knees, both hands gripping his shaggy, grassy hair with a lost expression, silent tears washing tracks through his dirt smudged cheeks.

“The Machine?” Steve asked with a voice that was heavy with empathetic grief. Bucky shuddered as he rocked slightly and whisper his reply in a small, broken voice, eyes distant.

“Electricity,……. It,……. It made my body absorb the,….. the injections,…” He swallowed thickly as he blinked.”It’s not just in my blood,….. it’s in my bones,……” Bucky let out another stifled cry then looked up at Steve with overwhelming misery.

“Every time,……. Ever time he used the machine,……. Another man died………. But never me,…… I prayed for death Steve,……. I wanted the pain to stop……But It never did,……And it still hurts!” Bucky sputtered as a fresh wave of tears flooded his eyes and he looked down bringing both arms to wrap around himself as he violently shivered, trying to bite back his sobs. Steve swallowed and grabbed his jacket off the ground and wrapped it around his friend’s shoulders.

“Captain,….. I don’t think there is anything we can do for him out here.” Mortia sighed.

“Best we get this lad and the other’s back to base camp,…. Let the real Doctors take a look at the Chap.” Falsworth, the British sholdier offered with a tired voice. Steve nodded and accepted the Canteen from the Frenchman and then stood up pulling a despondent Sargent Barnes with him, arm wrapped around his shaking shoulders protectively.

“Common Buck,….. lets get some rest.” Steve spoke with a low, comforting tone toward his friends ear, Bucky’s head still hung, eyes squeezed tight, trembling.

Every one stood back with respect and empathetic sorrow as they watched the Captain gently guide the broken man away and toward the ammunition trucks. Bucky’s steps were stumbled and he swayed unsteady as Steve used his own strength to support his weakened friend. They walked to the front truck that was full of weapons but empty of soldiers. Steve leaned Bucky against the side of the truck, his friends gaze once more distant, lips mumbling as he shivered. Steve quickly unloaded a few creates and made a space for the two of them that offered a barrier from the eyes of the others. 

The Captain then guided Bucky up into the back of the covered truck and sat down, back against the wall and legs stretched out as he pulled Bucky between them. He cradled the now smaller man’s torso and head against his chest and wrapped the leather coat tighter around him before encasing Bucky in his arms. Bucky had stopped mumbling, eyes still glazed and distant as he shook. Steve used one hand in his friend’s dirty hair once more rubbing his temple in soothing, firm circles. At last away from the others, Steve sighed and let the tears trapped behind his own eyes finally fall.

“I’m sorry Bucky!...... God I am so sorry!........ It will be okay Buck!...... We’ll get you to the doctors and every thing will be okay……. I promise Bucky!...... They will never put their hands on you again!...... Never!” Steve rasped his whispered words through gritted teeth, tears flowing freely as in his arms Bucky let out the first of many small whimpered cries, succumbing to his overwhelming pain and fear and grief. 

Steve had no idea how wrong he was.


End file.
